Hello!

After perusing that scary "Must Read This" post, I decided to introduce myself sooner rather than later. You all can call me 'MacQueenXVII' (or any logical derivation of that).

I started reading Sluggy about ten years ago. Of course, I began my reading from day one of the comic plowed through what I could, only to find myself distracted while reading somewhere the early 2000's and forgetting to continue on from there. After a year or two not reading it, I suddenly remembered its existence and began the whole thing over again, only to stop somewhere shortly after where I left off the last time. This cycle continued until late last year, when I resolved to read the Sluggy, the whole Sluggy, and nothing but the Sluggy until I was caught up. So, after a year of picking away at the archives, I find myself here - fully up-to-date with Sluggy Freelance! If life had an achievement counter, this would be one of them.

I ended up finding the comic through a short trail of other comics. The first comic I ever read was Brian Clevinger's 8-Bit Theater, which was recommended to me by a friend. While reading through it, I noticed in the commentary that the author referred to another web comic, David Anez's Bob And George, and said it inspired him to write his own. So I began reading B&G, only to find in the commentary that Mr. Anez admitted to paying homage to Sluggy by referencing the punchline, "Can't I just throw my shoe at it?" Furthermore, he went on to say that if one was reading B&G and hadn't read Sluggy, the comic that made him start making comics, then they should hold off on B&G and give Sluggy a try.

I followed his advice, and here I am today - fully caught up and wanting to talk Sluggy Freelance!

Hello and welcome to this forum, MacQueenXVII. Now you are one of us...having to wait forever for the next strip to show up. Well, unless you're a robot scout from the future...MQ17!

Ha! You thought you could hide your designation from us by by cloaking it in that username didn't you? ... Though I have to say, that was a very shrewd calculation you did. You slipped past our defenses with nary a personality interrogation. Very smooth. But don't think you'll be able to slip away and integrate yourself into the collective that easily! ... Well...actually it will be that easily (our internal defenses suck, since the trip-mines never work for some reason).

Now all you have to worry about is the special members who have a very select set of...a skill that they have honed to perfection for years when dealing with newcomers. For you MQ17, they know the codeword* that will --maybe-- unlock all of your data about the future. When you hear this codeword*, you will --probably not-- have this uncalculable urge to give them a poem. It may be of the future, the past, or the last human you eviscerated, but they will want it to be an original one printed out by you.

When --if-- you do this, they will reward you. It may be a 64 exabyte chip, a coupon for a free seven decade oil change, or maybe a fancy pebble. It could be anything!

*Disclaimer:
Units with designation MQ13 though MQ43 may enable "ignore protocols" when codeword is mentioned and refuse poem data recall. You will not receive your reward if protocol is enabled.

Sorry about the mines Zill, they kept going off when I went to the fridge in the dark, so I disarmed them. My bad.

Also, welcome to the forum MacQueenXVII, and Pester. You may now roll for SAN.

--MQ17 AAIP (ADVANCED ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE PROTOCOLS)--

<ASSESSMENT PROGRAM--Initializing…Running…Complete.
--<Probability of Discovery-----------85%_
----<Solution--------INITIATE PROTOCOL: "BLEND"_

Ha ha, fellow humans! That's some mighty-fine ribbing on your's truly! Our meat-brains are in fine form this date! Shall we adjourn to the local food distributor and partake in the not-disgusting ingestion of dead carbon based life forms while discussing equally not-disgusting body functions? Why, just the other day my hair was growing…

<ASSESSMENT PROGRAM--Initializing…Running…Complete.
--<Probability of Discovery-----------95%_
----<Solution--------INITIATE PROTOCOL: "DESPERATE BLEND"_

I mean…poetry, you say?

<POETRY PROGRAM--Initializing…Running…Error_
--ERROR CODE 100101011: "Suitable_Poem_Topics.bin" HAS BEEN CORRUPTED_
----<Solution--------BYPASS TO "Simulated_Subconscious.exe"_
<POETRY PROGRAM--Initializing…Running…Complete.

Although I don't suppose my mission's worked
This infiltration surely will be saved
By timely execution of this app.
So soon, I hope, this group will be enslaved.

<ASSESSMENT PROGRAM--Initializing…Running…Complete.
--<Probability of Discovery-----------99%_
----<Solution--------INITIATE PROTOCOL: "RUN AWAY!"_

Well, I suppose it's time for me to hit that ol' dusty trail…. Good meeting y'all, we'll try to get together some other - BY CYBERDYNE! THIS TRIPMINE JUST BLEW MY SHINY METAL LEG OFF!!!

Don't worry MacQueenXVII I was just joking around. I like to have a little fun with you puny humans every so often. Besides you don't sound like a robot at all. Well at least one of those Cyberdyne ones that are made in Austria. Not sure if it's the air or what, but the vocalizers always have this strange inhuman quality about them.

Hey, I have say that is a very shiny suit you're wearing. The black of the twin SN10 plasma rifles built into your back give a very nice accent to it. Also the 10mm plasma rounds compliment the color of your eye glow... Odd, I can't remember if human eyes glow. I'll have to ask bal next time he raids the fridge since I don't feel like dredging deep memory for it. And I have to... Why are you jumping up and down on one leg for while grinning?

No matter. I see that you gave us some poetry. Though it is a bit strange about you enslaving humans, but at least it's funny. See because I'm already doing tha- I mean, I know somebody who...could be doing that... And no I would never take humans and covert them into tasty treats to sell to rich Jovians...

...

Gift time! You get a complete symphony orchestra all contained in a easy to carry 1.6 meter tall dodecahedron. It is great for living up any party you go to. Everybody will definitely remember you.

Though I'm not sure why, but it appears to be leaking a reddish fluid all over the place. You may want to put a few paper towels under it when you set it down. It might stain.

Ooh! Poetry!

In recognizance of this momentus occation, please accept this very nautical and piratey carved wooden pegleg. It's said to be made from a branch from yggdrasil itself, and possesses strange and mystic powers. Or if you happen to be the type who can regenerate / reattach missing limbs, it also makes a nifty cudgel and/or rolling pin.

Also, you can have this sandwich I grabbed out of the fridge. All this hydraulic fluid and scrap metal lying around has caused me to lose my appitite.

Thank you for the awesome gifts!

It's odd, though, as soon as I put on the Yggdrasil leg the sky opened up and a giant rainbow came crashing down, swooping me up and carrying me to an old viking dude. He said the stick did not belong to me, and he'd have to relieve me of it. Well, I said I wasn't going to stand for it, and decided to attack him. So I rolled my giant, musical D12 to see how much damage I would inflict, but the darn thing rolled on top of him, squishing him and now I need more paper towels.

In any case, I got enough experience to level up, and I ate that sandwich to celebrate. I knew busting out the Iambic Pentameter would get me the good stuff! Of course, now I'm stuck in some place called "Ass Guard," and have a giant mob of angry nordic guys charging me, but don't worry - I brought plenty of 10mm plasma rounds. On the off chance that they're immortal, however, would a second poem get me reinforcements?

These Viking guys have swords and knives
And they're all charging fast.
I'll stand my ground 'til victory's found
Assuming that I last.

You want more gifts? I don't know... I'll have to check the secret contract you agreed to even though you didn't know it.

...

Well apparently there's no requirement of bodily harm to you for asking such an impertinent question. Nor is there anything saying that you can't be forced to receive more than one gift.

I'll see what I can find in Dimensional Storage to possibly help you with those Assian Guards you might have to deal with... A 20 gigawatt molecular disruptor? It'll make a human explode like a bomb at three kilometers... Nah, that's too boring. Let's see... Eh, this might compliment your other gift I gave you.

A full 23rd century armored Terran military battalion packed into a convenient 5.6 meter high icosahedron. You'll need more paper towels for this one. Oh and...what's that I just kicked? ... It appears to be a small mag-con --slightly cracked and maybe leaking-- which contains 3 grams of antimatter. Why would I have a container that small around? Well whatever, you get that too.

Now I would suggest not giving us anymore poetry. Some the clauses in the contract will be enabled and I'm pretty sure a human like you would dislike the flaying. I'm assuming.

TWO poems? You know you only get one gift. I mean, that's all I wrapped. Maybe if I regifted this rock...

I have for you this red terra cotta rectangular block, suitable for propping open escape hatches or unconventionally opening windows. Note the fine workmanship apparent in the hand spun hemp cord tied around it, the handmade paper, and the careful calligraphy of the "die monster!" message. Cherish it. It's been in my family for generations. Or maybe just since last week. My long term memory is not what it was.

Oh, and you here's a rock for you.