"Good Night Inconstant Moon"
A classic childrens' picture-book about the near-destruction of the world by way of massive solar flare.

"The Left Hand of Darkness Rising"
A human on a mission to find lost colonies has found one very different from the others -- the native life causes what appears to be magic; and people have a very unusual gender-structure. He cooperates with an outcast to save the mission; at first, skeptical, but in the end, there is something deeper that cannot be spoken.

"Gravitation"
A textbook on general relativity in which all the examples have to do with homosexual boy-band members. A typical problem involves the targeting corrections for their bodyguard's orbital laser. Other problems involve using the egos of the less self-assured band members as a primitive Alcubierre warp system.

"Zodiac: Brave Story"
Sangamon Beoulve and his band of ecological mercenaries go up against the corrupt, polluting church.

"The Princess Bride of Frankenstein"
Westley dead, Buttercup takes extreme measures to get him back. Apparently, this was after electricity.

"The Man in the Iron Mask of Zorro"
It is discovered that a prince of France has been hidden in Mexico since he was young, and has spent his life fighting injustice there. Aramis sets out to restore him to the throne. When Zorro does not cooperate, the plot unravels, and the other three musketeers reluctantly get dragged in. Generally, a tiresome sequel.

"Dragnethack"
"Mr. Yizchak here says the perp teleported out of the store while 'looking over' a magic lamp. Why don't you drop by the temple, see if he's getting its b/u/c or doing a water prayer, and try to take him in. And bring backup."

"Star Trek 2: The Grapes of Khan"
Khan Noonien Singh takes revenge on Kirk for stranding him in Oklahoma, by having his ship crushed by cosmic farm equipment.

"The Jungle... book"
Riki-Tiki-Tavi defends his family against poor meat-packing practices and exploitative workplace conditions.

"I know why the bird in la cage aux folles sings"
Maya Angelou's harrowing autobiographical tale of being raised by the two owners of a gay nightclub.

"The Braveheart of a Dog"
A doctor performs brain surgery on a dog, turning him into a man, who chooses the bizarre name Williamwallace Williamwallaceovich. He joins the Communist party, purges many Scottish nobles, and nearly kicks the English out of Scotland before he is stopped and restored to being a nice little dog.

"Monty Python and the Holy Blood, Holy Grail"
On second thought, let's not go to Provence, it is a silly place.

The Lord of Darkness:
Two brave hobbits must travel up the Congo River to destroy the Ring of Ivory and prevent the world from being plunged into Kurtzian Dominion.


One Hundred Years of Hobbit:
In this tale by Gabriel Garcia Tolkien, the tale of a madly inbreeding family is told- from beginning to end, where genetics cause a dragon's birth.

A Midsummer Night's Odyssey:

Brave Romeus must make the harrowing journey through town, making many strange encounters on the way to his loved one- aided and hated by the gods he must travel. And all this in just one night!

Romeus? I lost you on that one. Was it a merger of two things other than A Midsummer Night's Dream and The Odyssey?

The Fast and the Fugitive. Dr. Kimball's back, accused of murder and in a suped up import car on the run from Federal marshal Sam Gerard.

2001: A Space Odyssey, by Homer
Odysseus battles his way across the solar system, encountering a cyclops, the sirens, a lustful sorceress and an insane computer to confront the ultimate mysteries of the Universe.

2010: Odyssey Two, by Homer
Odysseus returns home from his wanderings, only to discover the Russians are attempting to capture and board his wife. With the aid of Telemechus and Athene, now disguised as the rebooted HAL, they Ithika red ... with blood!

Captain Blood In, Captain Blood Out
Peter Blood, an Irish doctor and ex soldier, is unlawfully sold into slavery and shipped to East LA. There, he escapes and becomes the terror of the 'hood and a notorious gangbanging buccaneer.

Coyote Blue Lagoon
Two shipwrecked children grow up on a deserted island. But can their love survive when Tom reveals that he is actually Coyote, the ancient Indian trickster god and this was all a practical joke?

The Silence of the Christ:
Jesus, an FBI agent-in-training, uses advice from Satan, who is posing as a cannabalistic serial killer, to catch a demon. But religious-themed horror changes to rollicking comedy when the demon staples Jesus's lips together and nobody can understand what he's saying!

Silence of the Lamb:

Jesus's best friend Biff tries to find a serial killer and hook up with Mary Magdalene, but needs the help of Hannibal Lector.

The Exocist's Club:

Kristy, Claudia, Stacy, and Mary Anne must come to the rescue when Jamie Newton is possessed by the Devil. Good thing Kristy had the Great Idea to put Holy Water in the Kid-Kit!

The DaVinci Cryptonomicron
A Harvard scholar is drawn into a complex web of danger and intrigue when he stumbles on a secret society devoted to protecting the biggest secret in the world - really, really strong crypto. Oh yeah, and Jesus had a daughter.

Black Beasts of the Saturday Night Fever:
A company of troops, trained to kill the undead, practice their moves, get dressed, and disco the night away.

Star Wars Episode VI: The Return to Snowy River
Luke Skywalker, now a fully-trained Jedi, returns to the place he came from. And rides a dewback down a VERY steep cliff.

Dude, STG. Not cool.

The Joy Fight Club:
The bestselling novel chronicles the trials and tribulations of three generations of a Chinese love-triangle between two personalities and a woman who fake diseases and train an army to take over America--all against the colorful backdrop of the club they go to every Saturday night where men beat each other up for fun. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you won't ****ing talk about it.

Edit: *cough*thread title*cough*

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Apprentice -
Young Harry's new Quidditch broom turns out to be unruly, and refuses to land. Harry's attempts to remedy the problem only make things worse.

Lord of the Rings, Episode Three: Return of the Jedi -
It's finally come time to destroy the Ring in the fires of Endor, right beneath the watchful eye of Sauron, who is constructing a new Death Star. Legolas, using the tow ropes of his snowspeeder, takes down several Oliphaunts, the first of which elicited a "That still only counts as one!" from Gimli. Frodo's epic lightsaber battle against Smeagol has Frodo fall to the Ring's lure as the voice of Sauron whispers in his head to release his hatred. Much speculation concerning Artoo and Threepio.

Time Enough For Love Hina--The oldest man in the universe gets a new lease on life when he finds himself running an all-girls apartment. Much fanservice ensues.

Antigone With The Wind--Scarlett O'Hara is thrown off the plantation for trying to give her brother, a Union officer, a proper burial.

Stuart Little Women--The life and times of several sisters, one of whom is a mouse.

Farenheit 22- Guy Montag is a firefighter, who continues to go on dangerous book burning missions. Guy Montag has a problem; he is considered insane if he willingy continues to go on dangerous missions, but if he makes the formal request to be relieved of such missions, the very act of making the request proves him sane, therefore ineligible for release. And you know the mechanical hound won't make things easier.

The Great Cthulhu- Nick Carroway has just moved to New York and he is shocked by the amorality of the Elder ones and the Old money. Listen to him retell the tale of his neighbor Cthulhu, whose nole ambitions remove him from scorn. Ctulhu has reurned to West Egg in order to obsessively stalk and court his old love Daisy before he destroys the world.

The Gunslinger, Germs, and Steel--Stephen King's revolutionary thesis on why Europe developed as the major power of the world and overran the Americas: it was all a byproduct of the actions of Roland of Gilead and his obsessive quest for the Dark Tower.

Hey Crake, how about this:
The Great Gatsby's Guide to the Galaxy- Nick becomes 'friends' with Zaphod and slowly discovers his illegal doings. Arthur shoots Beeblebrax with a Kill-o-zap because he stole Trillian.